Kingdom of Your Own

inspirations to new song lyrics... 

So, grab a hold
Onto what it is and believe it will be
Grab a hold and find the pressure,
take the leap and let go.
'Cause it can only be you
To set these words on fire
Wrapped pages, building bridges higher
It can only be you, my love.

You're getting fickle on a million flavors
To which none of them you liked at all
Follow the leader for a good behavior
And build a kingdom that you call your own.
Say goodbye and walk away with wisdom,
Holding on what truly matters
Call upon the cracks below.
The kingdom may fall.
So, grab a hold.

Conversations between lovers

True account of messages to one another spanning over the last 9 months. A saga of the relationship revealing truths about sacrifice and autonomy and codependency. 

My most recent message, September 13th, 2016:
Hardest part of the trail coming up, huh? You'll fly over those mountains, spaceman. Collecting all the treasured moments into these fateful last miles. To seal your revelations of life and love, all from your first amazing journey. Sure to not be the last. 

*** 

Spaceman:  It comes to me now that my love for you has never faltered, never wavered. In my state of depression in my ability to share that love, to express that love, to give of myself I was swallowed in shadow. And I did not put up the fight a deserving man should. I reflect on this, and it makes me sad, and yet this is the very thing that brought me here. Shall I then rejoice for the sorrow? Much has been lost, but there are mountains to be gained.

Me: I let you go when you asked me to.

I'm grieving the loss, and moving away from any hopes. 

You hurt me more than I thought you could,

 First by your words, 

And then by your actions, 

even with water running down your face not single breath of love left your lips...

After I left your house, you laid where I once laid, with my tears still wet upon the sheets,  and when you laid down in that bed and found sweet slumber, you abandoned all promises you ever made to me.  And I'm still holding on. You left.

Spaceman:  And, you showed me a love that was quite different from what I imagined. You refused my complacency and demanded more of me, but never beyond my capacity. I fell in love with an extrovert and an only child, with very high standards, a queen on her throne who said "make me love you back' though her heart was already mine.  You fell in love with an introvert, from a tight knit family prone to bouts of melancholy and blueness, a skeptic, who mistrusts even his own emotions. You fell for a man who had more to prove to himself than he felt he needed to prove to you, the kind of chap whose greater ambitions include living alone in the wilderness for six months, a stubborn prince of fortune who said, "I will love you my own way, and that will be enough." 

Me: What am I still holding on to? You left. And how do I wake up every day knowing I am still in love with a man who left and went 2000 miles away? A man's who face I haven't seen in 8 months. Granted, I encouraged you. One of my greatest downfalls is I refuse to ask for help. I thought of how free you would be. I let you go.

Spaceman: What are you holding on to? The chaos of colliding galaxies illuminates the abyss, and those who look up are lost in the wonderment and awe. I hold to the truths that cannot be unmade. I love you as I never loved another. The trail is a teacher: I struggle to find words to describe this education but I shall try to say this, 
whenever I have made a plan or tried to force an occurrence, the plan has failed and I have gotten lost. When I release my expectations, and ask for what I desire, I am given what I need which is rarely what i think and always better. 
8 months ago, and a whole new world lies before me, my needs are so few so opportunity bounds. 
Instead of what are you holding onto? ask yourself, why will i not let go" the greater truth is in the latter, and the answer is hidden in between, tomorrow is exciting, but there's long and lonely miles yet to walk. Our cosmic dance is not yet complete. 

What is it like to love someone 2000 miles away whose face you haven't seen in 8 months? It's like two galaxies colliding together with the exchanging of stars violent and beautiful. They swirl about each other, both unable to resist the gravity that continues to pull them together, through the sheer magnitude of their own egos and doubts that are trying to tear them apart. 

I find a hope within me, like a flickering candle int he distance, that one day I might share with you my findings, having opened the lock of my fear and set to exploring the mysteries deep within. You are climbing your mountains and I am proud of you. Our paths have split, and we'll both be made better and stronger for it. Yet in the waning hours, as the owls raise their voices to call the moon from its hiding place, I watch the nocturnal shadows begin to crawl and hope against hope hat I am being forged into the fires of the soul, to one day return to your hand. I wish you peace and love and joy, always.

Me:  I am raw and open, laying here awake after a weekend-long, native tribal ceremony, where I allowed plant spirits to take over my body and my mind. 
On the second and most intense night, visions of you came to me.
No one else came in the visions, no other people in my life, just you.I don't have any conclusions at this moment only that you appeared to me because you're still a huge part of how I make decisions. That you're still a huge part in me.

Spaceman: You. you're beautiful. I still remember your body like a holy vision, and still my wildest imaginings can't do it justice, but its your morning face that haunts my dreams, branded in my mind, that glow in your droopy waking eyes, your skin soft and supple, the smell of the nights love tangled in your hair, and lips, lips full and red that bed to be kissed, to wake you from your slumber, and wake me from my sorrow. this picture brings it all back, mostly, that feeling of waking everyday to a face that I want to wake to everyday. This breaks me all over again. 
Be careful with me. My heart is tender and lonely, and I miss you deeply. I learned to forget these last couple weeks. and now I must learn again. But I still, thank you for this treasure you have given me, though I buy it with pain. It's as true now as it ever was, I love you.

Me: Our first date at Opal Creek was so natural. I felt as if the world ended outside of us but I was with you, I know you and I would survive and we could make each other happy for the rest of our lives. 

Spaceman: Often did I think that we would spend the rest of our days together. But, at that time, I wasn't ready. I had much to prove to myself, before I could be sure I was giving you the man I wasn't you to love, this still is my quest. You got me to take this trail, you have kept me going on this trail. Still, you are making me a better person. That's how I know. 

Me: Come back to me. I don't expect that to look like any certain way.  I just hope that someday, I see you again. So I can wrap my arms around you and feel the rough truth on your skin and muscles from the trail, sun on your face, look you in the eyes and deeply thank you for how you are a strong man in deciding to conquer yourself through experience. I want to release you from any expectations I've created in the past, and meet you in a new way.

Spaceman: My thirst for adventure grows with every step, and when finally, I have climbed this trails final maintain, my journey will have just begun. Still I hope that on my next adventure, I will have you walking by my side helping to make me better some more.  As we may see each other again as the strong man and strong woman we both desire to be.

Fire Monkey 2016

Those of you who know me personally know I am going through an incredible transformation in my life. The last 8 months, I opened my own business, moved in with my partner of 2 years, got an apartment in NW Portland.

Now, mostly of all that has changed.

I've put all of my energy, savings, blood, sweat, passion, and tears into opening a studio in Portland in August 2015. The studio abruptly closed two days ago due the landlord raising the rent and a new yoga company coming inthat can pay more.

My partner and I decided that we could come together to make it through the birth of this new career "baby", turns out he is at the brink of his own spiritual growth that must be independently explored. With the news of the studio closing, I also realized that this is the time he has to move out and find himself. As I watch him pack up his things in the apartment, I am overfilled with intense sorrow and solid duty to the journey of the human soul. I love him with everything I know, which is why I have to let him go.

I reflect on my intentions to 'set roots' in Portland, a town that has invited me so graciously into this beautiful community back in 2012. The decision to run my own company full tilt, and to be a loving partner has revealed incredible truths about my capacity for commitment, my capacity for love, my honesty in business, and my choices to continue moving forward. I have found that being a studio owner is a labor of love as I am the soul to bear the relationships that walk in the door. I have found that being a true girlfriend means to surrender, to know deep down love prevails, even when it is hard to cut the chords and see clearly the need for each other to be independent... and grow.

I share this with you as the year changes into 2016. As my eyes are wet with uncertainty, and my heart is confused with past and present moments, both grieving and shaping. I share this with to remind us all that growing can be painful. And this is the time. To remember that we are loved, holding space and a smile for the future to come

Sangha

Sangha

As a 'yoga instructor,' I bring myself into a room full of unique bodies within a space designated for practice, to integrate tools of accessing the internal environment with what I perceive in our external environment, to be reflective, magnetic, recharged, balanced.
<; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;"> Yogis acknowledge senses and invite space and sensitivity,
Breath into each moment of progress
Recognize and release expectations or fears or limitations,
Participate with an open heart to whatever changes may arise,
Spend moments alone as well as with each other,
Witness personal transformations that occur when immersed in a place of spiritual focus and flexibility.

I enjoy my position as a yoga teacher, not because I think I am good at yoga, or that I can show people how it's done or that I have it all figured out... Rather, I've accepted my gifts of perception and voice.

I see a tribe, coming together to mentor each other through a program of shredding inhibitions and layers in which we guard ourselves. We become completely open to spirit so that paradise between souls can seep in deep into our veins to unveil our highest potential. Our environment is a mere reflection of the way we feel inside. I open my voice sorrow and fear of age, death, and survival. That in my space is a welcome place to voice recognitions, respects, gratitudes. The practice of yoga can help focus our mind less on fear and more on listening.

In my service to myself and others, I pursue the exploration of liberation through the senses. It is my belief that the body cannot accept healing without a movement practice.
Move energy. Get unstuck. Listen. Breathe. Fill up. Let go. Sing out. Repeat.

As a leader, my goal is to encourage my students. Every morning, I set intentions for this truth in practice to develop.

Fire & Earth

From the moment I saw you, really saw you, sitting on the picnic table outside lighting hand rolled cigarettes with a zippo lighter and hair as smooth as silk, you intrigued me. You always had a interesting presence about you, a sincere curiosity, a provocative imagination always thriving in conversation.You believed in your admirable love for your mother and grandmother and honored the intelligent caretakers around you. You were a God fearing man. I walked up and asked your sign, and you said Capricorn but you can't remember your age, with a smile.

You had strong qualities that were attractive, and when I got to know you deeper, your ideals, your understanding of things and your blind intuition, your love of family, your obsession with the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit... I couldn't predict how deeply I could fall in love with a whole other person, who is a completely counterpart to me. Then, we got lost in the canyons, deep in snow, climbing the side of cliffs to overlooking contoured earth, moonlit sky, and soaking pools to our own exploration's delight. We've come so far. I've known you with so many adventures and our bliss, stupid-in-love moments shared.

And along the way, when I turned to share my deepest truths with you, I looked into blank eyes. When I held your hand and asked you what you were feeling, I noticed your words and your palm, ice cold. When I called upon you for your service, no longer were you home.

In my heart, that fire still burns, slowly, but the flames were no longer dancing. The flames were not hissing with the wind, nor changing color with cold air. The energy diminished, there was no man there to maintain a steady loving breath on the coals. And, he hadn't been there for quite some time.

In the middle of our honest moments, I rested upon knowing the constant fire cycling between us. It was true, whether we were honest and vulnerable to ourselves, or not. It burned and cooled. But, this time, I burned and you cooled.

The ground beneath your feet is the same ground I walk upon. I share this earth with you, I am here to reflect the vast universe around you and within you. I will not drift lightly into the abyss. The fire, now darkness, is here for our teaching. How we choose to transmute the archetypes, the elements, the signs, is up to you, and me.

Set Sail

I find myself now

 at the end of the day,

Exhausted, depleted, longing, desiring affection.

Someone to call,

that person to anchor in with 

for the night
while the tide goes out.

I hope for the day

 that I can roll up my sail, 

And rock rhythmically alongside the riverfront,

Instead of being the seafaring captain

in ambitious pursuit.

I feel tired.

I long for solitude and the holding.

I haven't had it.

I don't know what it's like. 

I've been taunted and teased with the ideal of leaning into someone. 

I fell like I've seen this man in my dreams.

And, then as we looked deeper and peered in together,

we found that this just could not happen

in real life.

And, why not.

Well, maybe next time.

For now, I pulled my anchors up and
Set Sail.

Yoga Soup for The Soul

When I was eighteen years old, yoga was an attractive physical practice to me for many reasons. It appeared to be the perfect balance between my two favorite things in the world; throwing my body around the stage during rehearsals, and would also wake up early in the morning to get my heart rate up by jogging through the neighborhood right before the sun rose that by the end of my school day my body was so worked my limbs felt like Jello. I needed something strengthening, toning, integrative, and creative.

I loved dance but I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do it forever, and running was my current voyager, until I landed in my first Bikram class in 2004. The practice was invigorating and relentless, a true challenge for me and my genetic stamina. I showed up to yoga class, and cranked on my limbs so they would stretch and bend like putty, reshaped into the deepest postures where I could feel my heartbeat pulsing, and feel my sweat dripping in places that I never thought possible. When I laid down intosavasana at the end of the class, there was nothing but me and my breath because I was so damn tired, and hungry for more.

After my first year of training, I began to notice beautiful thing happens underneath the surface. My concentration, sweat, will power, and flexibility began to come together. My body began to communicate with me. At first, it was through pain and exhaustion. Then, other things began to happen. My sleeping and eating cycle began to revolve around my yoga schedule. It became easier to listen to what my body needed instead of wanted. When I knew I was going to be doing hot yoga later on that day, I began to make healthy decisions about how I wanted my body to feel during the practice.

After attending my yoga practice regularly, I recognized these little considerations began to infiltrate every day and every moment. I spent a few minutes before each class centering myself because I knew I was in for an hour of excruciating hell. I was engaging muscles I didn’t even know I had, and tuned into some of the muscles that needed attention. Afterwards, I nourished myself with necessary foods and took care of my muscle soreness with conscious thoughts and healing care.

It was an effortless process to begin considering myself. And, as I continued, I practiced more and more, and dove deeper to find more sources of practice that I could add to more areas of my life. I wanted it to continue to grow outside of me, bigger than me. It was the encouragement I needed to begin really looking at myself, without judgment.

In this journey, I am reminded of that everyday, just by the way my body moves, and my thoughts speak to me. Yoga practice is the time I take to fully listen. Classes give me the opportunity and the practice weaves itself more into the threads of each day. My mat has become the nurturer, my breath is the teacher, my body is the vessel, and yoga is soup for my soul.