Monday, June 14, 2010
How did I go through my entire retreat without a single note in my journal? I suppose the scenario had inspirational overload, and I almost had to digest and let all the events resurface naturally, to internalize and regurgitate what dramatic impact I’ve really endured….which seems to be where my head is at right now as a matter of fact. So, three months after I left Thailand, I am finally starting to feel what traces it has left on my conscience. My entry just prior to this entry was only 3 days after my return. How ironic that I am about to word vomit all over this page with reflections from my trip so long after I’ve returned. Disagreeing that the material has to be fresh… I, more than ever, feel like the material has marinated and is ready to be served.
It’s not accurate to say that I didn’t felt weird coming home from the trip. I was exhausted, a little backwards, and definitely inspired, and affected in remarkable ways, although I just can’t feel it yet. It’s the same as when you look outside and the sky is grim and you open to the comics, where the horoscope column rambles ¼ of the page telling you that you’ll be facing obstacles of incalculable force, believing this is true, you later find out that the force is none other than the sky’s small sprinkles of rain. Yes, indeed the force existed, but you didn’t know how large or small it, whether it was going to tap you or rock you, but you saw it coming and the horoscope confirmed it was there. My predictions and expectations of my trip were like a bad horoscope, barely scratching the surface of what was really coming, but certainly opening the wounds and uncovering the experience of learning, growing, and being aware. I’m not ready to truly decipher what changes were inevitably made, whether I could predict or just confirm their affects. It just proved my will to travel alone, and allowed me to recognize how much I have the potential inside to love doing so. I’ve finally accepted hanging out with myself, and my faith in life and happiness is stronger than ever.