Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Conversations between lovers

True account of messages to one another spanning over the last 9 months. A saga of the relationship revealing truths about sacrifice and autonomy and codependency. 

My most recent message, September 13th, 2016:
Hardest part of the trail coming up, huh? You'll fly over those mountains, spaceman. Collecting all the treasured moments into these fateful last miles. To seal your revelations of life and love, all from your first amazing journey. Sure to not be the last. 

*** 

Spaceman:  It comes to me now that my love for you has never faltered, never wavered. In my state of depression in my ability to share that love, to express that love, to give of myself I was swallowed in shadow. And I did not put up the fight a deserving man should. I reflect on this, and it makes me sad, and yet this is the very thing that brought me here. Shall I then rejoice for the sorrow? Much has been lost, but there are mountains to be gained.

MeI let you go when you asked me to.

I'm grieving the loss, and moving away from any hopes. 
You hurt me more than I thought you could,
 First by your words, 
And then by your actions, 
even with water running down your face not single breath of love left your lips...
After I left your house, you laid where I once laid, with my tears still wet upon the sheets,  and when you laid down in that bed and found sweet slumber, you abandoned all promises you ever made to me.  And I'm still holding on. You left.

Spaceman:  And, you showed me a love that was quite different from what I imagined. You refused my complacency and demanded more of me, but never beyond my capacity. I fell in love with an extrovert and an only child, with very high standards, a queen on her throne who said "make me love you back' though her heart was already mine.  
You fell in love with an introvert, from a tight knit family prone to bouts of melancholy and blueness, a skeptic, who mistrusts even his own emotions. You fell for a man who had more to prove to himself than he felt he needed to prove to you, the kind of chap whose greater ambitions include living alone in the wilderness for six months, a stubborn prince of fortune who said, "I will love you my own way, and that will be enough." 

Me: What am I still holding on to? You left. And how do I wake up every day knowing I am still in love with a man who left and went 2000 miles away? A man's who face I haven't seen in 8 months. Granted, I encouraged you. One of my greatest downfalls is I refuse to ask for help. I thought of how free you would be. I let you go.

Spaceman: What are you holding on to? The chaos of colliding galaxies illuminates the abyss, and those who look up are lost in the wonderment and awe. I hold to the truths that cannot be unmade. I love you as I never loved another. The trail is a teacher: I struggle to find words to describe this education but I shall try to say this, 

whenever I have made a plan or tried to force an occurrence, the plan has failed and I have gotten lost. When I release my expectations, and ask for what I desire, I am given what I need which is rarely what i think and always better. 
8 months ago, and a whole new world lies before me, my needs are so few so opportunity bounds. 
Instead of what are you holding onto? ask yourself, why will i not let go" the greater truth is in the latter, and the answer is hidden in between, tomorrow is exciting, but there's long and lonely miles yet to walk. Our cosmic dance is not yet complete. 

What is it like to love someone 2000 miles away whose face you haven't seen in 8 months? It's like two galaxies colliding together with the exchanging of stars violent and beautiful. They swirl about each other, both unable to resist the gravity that continues to pull them together, through the sheer magnitude of their own egos and doubts that are trying to tear them apart. 


I find a hope within me, like a flickering candle int he distance, that one day I might share with you my findings, having opened the lock of my fear and set to exploring the mysteries deep within. You are climbing your mountains and I am proud of you. Our paths have split, and we'll both be made better and stronger for it. Yet in the waning hours, as the owls raise their voices to call the moon from its hiding place, I watch the nocturnal shadows begin to crawl and hope against hope hat I am being forged into the fires of the soul, to one day return to your hand. I wish you peace and love and joy, always.

Me:  I am raw and open, laying here awake after a weekend-long, native tribal ceremony, where I allowed plant spirits to take over my body and my mind. 

On the second and most intense night, visions of you came to me.
No one else came in the visions, no other people in my life, just you.I don't have any conclusions at this moment only that you appeared to me because you're still a huge part of how I make decisions. That you're still a huge part in me.

Spaceman: You. you're beautiful. I still remember your body like a holy vision, and still my wildest imaginings can't do it justice, but its your morning face that haunts my dreams, branded in my mind, that glow in your droopy waking eyes, your skin soft and supple, the smell of the nights love tangled in your hair, and lips, lips full and red that bed to be kissed, to wake you from your slumber, and wake me from my sorrow. this picture brings it all back, mostly, that feeling of waking everyday to a face that I want to wake to everyday. This breaks me all over again. 

Be careful with me. My heart is tender and lonely, and I miss you deeply. I learned to forget these last couple weeks. and now I must learn again. But I still, thank you for this treasure you have given me, though I buy it with pain. It's as true now as it ever was, I love you.

Me: Our first date at Opal Creek was so natural. I felt as if the world ended outside of us but I was with you, I know you and I would survive and we could make each other happy for the rest of our lives. 


Spaceman: Often did I think that we would spend the rest of our days together. But, at that time, I wasn't ready. I had much to prove to myself, before I could be sure I was giving you the man I wasn't you to love, this still is my quest. You got me to take this trail, you have kept me going on this trail. Still, you are making me a better person. That's how I know. 

Me: Come back to me. I don't expect that to look like any certain way.  I just hope that someday, I see you again. So I can wrap my arms around you and feel the rough truth on your skin and muscles from the trail, sun on your face, look you in the eyes and deeply thank you for how you are a strong man in deciding to conquer yourself through experience. I want to release you from any expectations I've created in the past, and meet you in a new way.

Spaceman: My thirst for adventure grows with every step, and when finally, I have climbed this trails final maintain, my journey will have just begun. Still I hope that on my next adventure, I will have you walking by my side helping to make me better some more.  
As we may see each other again as the strong man and strong woman we both desire to be.

1 comment:

  1. You are both poets...this was lovely yet sad to read. I wish you the best and easiest path through this <3!

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