Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Letter to the Unfettered

Dear Eli,

I saw you for the first time across the room and knew that when our eyes met, it would be intense. Apprehension was my immediate defense. I danced around you and away from you. At the party, I saw you looking at my in the corner of my eye and darted into safe quarters. The connection from a distance already scared the shit out of me. It was only a matter of time before we would come close enough to see right into eachothers' souls. We never even talked that night. The next morning you met me in the meadow. I announced I was going on a morning walk to pick wild flowers and you followed. Fields of golden lust and flower petals dusted with desire illuminated the sensuality burning from between my thighs. You came to me in open spaces where even the slightest bit of my regard was carried away with the Maui shore winds. You swept me up in the trees as I succumbed to the whims of my desires, without further investigating if our personalities could, in fact, sustain the pressure of our lustful attractions. Enrapture in tall grass, rolling around in pure bliss shocked my systematic responses against my heart's unveiled spirit. We climbed high into the banyan tree, as I recalled one of the most beautiful and erotic experiences I had with one of those exact trees. Proclaiming that nothing in this world could in fact top that experience, the next couple moments thereafter, I found myself lowering myself down onto like a fairy descending from the canopy. My skirt raised up as you became my seat, more like a throne, in which all inhibitions wilted along with the trees' loose leaves. The tree limbs shook with our love making, and time warped around the meadow. I was began to question where you ended and where even I had began.
We returned to the house, and could barely look at each other again that day because our connection went beyond mere eye lashes and scainty words. I was lost in love, and let you go on to real life situations, where lust and love hardly coexist.
Three weeks later we ran into eachother, and refused to leave eachothers' side. My bliss directly correlated to your presence, and our encounter in the field was only a dream until the day we reunited. Then, I learned of you. Alcohol mixed with the influences of others tested the love we made in the field, and brought a weakness out of you. Fear of distance and cloudy perceptions led you to a nightmare of insecurity. Each sip drew you in deeper, to an abyss and drunked stupor where all logic and love ceased to exist.
I've been there before, not as the sailent, but as the rescuer of demon days. And once again, I felt reluctance to find myself here, as the woman rebuilding the man to be a man. Knowing you as a spiritual man first, and then seeing you crumble amidst the bottle made me question whether or not I even wanted to travel down with you, wondering how much it would sustain if I were to try and pull you out.
But, at this point, I didn't care. I felt as if I've been here before, but not with you. I recoiled from past failures, and surged my own strength to walk away for the both of us. I left you to face the morning light and burn off the remnants of your own destructive behavior, memory, and misery. You knew you fucked up but you didn't know how much. So, I forgave you when I walked away, told you I loved you a million times underneath my breath, and didn't look back.
The truth is that I don't doubt the pono man inside you, I know him and I made love to him the moment I met him, and kissed him daily since we met again.
I went against my patterns, making space for bright love. I dug my toes in, held my dignity and respect up high, and held space for you in my heart. This romantic place that you and I met eachother is where we only can exist. I asked you whether you though we could make it beyond this world that we've woven into by our complete fascination in each moment and lust for eachother. And you said, "we could." But, I understand, that we cannot. There's nothing about a regular relationship that excites you or I. There's too many feelings that lie insecurely underneath troubled perceptions. We could imagine our lives to be unaffected by our own samskaras or outside influences but true moments were timeless memories and will remain secure in our hearts forever. I surrender you, I surrender the notion of us, and I will continue to love each moment in life with admiration for all the memories I have in which you taught me the true essence of love, even though we are far apart.

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