Saturday, February 6, 2010
Missed the Mark
I haven’t been a very good yogi. My appetite has been for something else lately. I’m not really sure about some of the decisions I’ve made in the last few days, especially concerning Wei. I’m hungry for love, excitement, stimulation, but not for a companion. I’m constantly thinking about the next time I can have a couple drinks with him so his personality will be more bearable, or when I can have the city to myself while he is away at work. I’ve been smoking a lot of cigarettes, just puffing the feelings away. I can’t believe how easily I’ve situated myself to use someone; it is taking so much energy out of me. This morning I spent some time meditating. My mind was so shuffled; I could only sit for 5 minutes or so, which resulted in a notable failed attempt at yoga. I haven’t successfully finished a physical practice in weeks, what is going on!? I’m hoping to find a way to tell him what I want, or what I don’t want (for that matter). Maybe today, when we climb the Great Wall, in the blissful serenity up in the mountains of China, I will find that strength down inside to be honest with myself and my current benefactor. I will muster the gut to blurt out that I no longer want to continue pretending I’m a weeklong girlfriend to someone I don’t really know. That maybe I was expecting friends the first few days, not getting through into a fire of sexual escapades locked in the room every moment I could potentially be spending falling in love with Beijing instead.