Backtracker

A quick moment of relapse to the beginning of the past 5 years...
Chapters close and reopen in my life every 6 months. At 19 years old, I started to feel the itch. Even during the boisterous years of schooling, I took waves of opportunity finding myself driving across the country on a national parks tour, as well as living in New York City for 3 months pursuing a music business career. My bachelor’s degree set me up to be fearless, not for an entry level job. After they sent me my diploma in the mail, I no longer was obligated to sign leases or enroll in programs. Now the future was open to itself. It’s been 3 years since college and I have relocated at least 6 times. Right after school, I moved to Orlando working a steady job wondering how I’m going to root back in my hometown when I’m feeling so incredibly alienated by my ambition. I woke up almost every day with an internal monologue resonating that there’s got to be something more to life than this. Three months later, my mom suggested that we both leave together left for a sabbatical in the mountains of Colorado to learn yoga. We came home and I was slightly worried whether this newfound spiritual freedom was going to help me or hurt me amidst the hustle and bustle of normalcy. I sensed the fire in my spirit and could not deny how disproportionate my heart felt against my skin. I found myself working steady in a restaurant, days in and days out, making tons of money. After a few weeks of work, I was making enough money only to put my finances towards another leave. Six months later I planned a trip to China, which was the last place in the world I thought I’d end up. But, for the sake of wanderlust, I left with eyes and mind open. Four months later, I came home and came up with a beautiful plan to open a yoga studio to teach this open heart practice to others. I began working in a bar to support my yoga career which in turn revealed itself as the antithesis of what I was attempting to foster. I wished to be a beacon of light and purity, but I was showing up to class on Monday mornings reeking of alcohol. I was making all the money in the world, but I was completely losing the luster of the practice. How could I tell people how to be spiritual and healthy without actually being it myself? Then, Hawaii called. I picked up the telephone one afternoon. On the other line was an acquaintance I knew from school that had just moved to Kauai, Hawaii and he was certain that she was a perfect fit. I was already considering other places at this point in time. No matter how wonderful the studio looked on paper, it was not sustaining my ability to dive head first into its commitment. I wanted to fight for it, but the emotions inside of me pulled my intentions elsewhere. There was still more spirit that needs to be dug up before I can reveal it. Six months later, I left for east side Big Island. This was a true testament to starting from the ground up.

What a Trip

He was shirtless with broad shoulders and sun bleached locks. At first sight, I didn’t look twice. I said hello politely, as he would often come into the market to buy a huge tub of yogurt and spirulina and continue on his way. One day I was stacking the dairy shelf proclaiming how I was disenchanted by the west side. Frankly, I gave up looking for any fun hikes, fun people, or fun places to explore. I was bored. So bored in fact, I started complaining to myself at work about it. Standing right behind me, I hear a voice extending his way of an invitation. If you’re into rock climbing, I got a hike for you. I got a little excited, and completely abandoned my vow to stay away from blonde surfer boys. We met each other and exchanged numbers. I didn’t remember until later that his name was Fred. My next immediate thought is how weird it would be to say “oh yes, Fred…” in bed.
That following afternoon, I met Fred at his apartment. Three minutes later, we dropped two hits of liquid LSD and drove up to tall cliffs to descend down from in a steep exploration unknown to us. This could be amazingly fun adventure or it could be a disaster between worlds if we don’t trip out on the same planes. I often find myself abstaining from taking acid. This time, I just said what the hell, this guy is just a little surfer boy, can’t see any harm in getting naked with him.
Intentions laid the groundwork for good vibes. The weather was incredibly permitting as it illuminated the electricity of every single flower and rock we climbed past. We smoked a bowl to ease the transition and rattled off as much as we could about ourselves before we were mute with satiety. We started driving up the Honoloa cliffs, and past old Hawaiian villages, stepping up in altitude and piling on sensory stimulation. By time we reached the trail head, I was already chewing on my lips. I tried to get as many words as I could in, before I was twisted with hallucinations and disbelief. My jaw dropped and drooled as we began our descent down to Chutes and Ladders’ hike, leading us to ropes to hang on to and repeal down cliffs into the ravenous ocean side. By the bottom of the bay, three brackish water pools rose and fell with the tides. The water was silk. We slivered in and splashed around with our eyes open. Every time I flipped around the water, electricity radiated my limbs. Every time I clambered over the lava rocks, I felt jolts of energy running up my spine. I was so thankful my companion was well behaved even though we were naked. We enjoyed each other bodies and experiences, relinquishing physical attraction to a spiritual dimension, leaving all that unknown intimacy to the ocean deep.